Scott Nyman

I subscribe to the newsletter provided by the U.S. Patent and Trademark office to keep informed about the happenings of my most intimate government office. (Sorry IRS, you weren’t even close) This week, the USPTO felt well deserved of a pat-on-your-own-back moment for dipping the backlog of patent applications awaiting first office actions just slightly under the 700,000 mark. In fact, the current figure for the USPTO patent backlog now sits at 695,086.

While I applaud the USPTO for changing their backlog in a direction opposite our national debt, celebrating this moment seems to me a little premature. A celebration on this level brings to mind a certain celebration felt by South Florida a few years back. (In an attempt at a Wayne’s World flashback) Deedelydoop… Deedelydoop… Deedelydoop…

It was the year 2007, and I was living in Fort Lauderdale, just a stone throw away from Miami. However, in South Florida traffic, you can expect that stone to take about an hour or so to throw. Having grown up a Browns fan, I didn’t want to be rooting two terrible teams. But, the Miami Dolphins showed me no mercy, losing their first thirteen games without a win in sight. It seem eminent that the Dolphins would go down in history with the worst record in NFL history.

But then it happened, the Dolphins bested the Baltimore Ravens in overtime! I was exicited to see Art Model’s former Browns beaten by the worst team in football (that year, at least). The city of Miami, and the rest of South Florida, were just as excited they weren’t going to have the “imperfect season.”

It was crazy watching the news that week. People were celebrating like the Dolphins just won the Superbowl. Women were crying tears of joy on camera. You’d swear Marino turned the laces out this time.

And end flashback. Oddly, that feeling from 2007 is back again. I’m excited the USPTO is making progress, but that progress is actually just being less terrible. Keep up this pace though, USPTO, and I’ll share a beer with you at 500,000 pending. That’s at least roughly the equivalent to the  Browns making the playoffs.

By the way, my apologies to Daniel, the office Dolphins fan. At least your team dodged the trophy for the imperfect season, unlike the Lions the following year. (Now I see why the USPTO pulled it’s planned satellite office!) I’ll just stick with my Browns and their consistent raising of my hopes and shattering them.